Classic Cookbook Challenge #1 – Blue Balls

me with celery


Chisel that on my gravestone, folks. At the very least, if I ever write a cookbook, that phrase will be a title contender for sure. Nature’s toothbrush … lifeless grass straw … leaky stick of disappointment … Whatever you call it, celery is the absolute worst.

And I’m sure French cooking fanatics will say: but mirepoix! But, you guys, even Martha describes mirepoix as “a combination of aromatic vegetables that gives a subtle background flavor.” Ergo, celery = pointless.

But I didn’t come here to talk celery. I came here to discuss blue balls.

recipeIMG_3734This recipe comes from Good Housekeeping’s Appetizer Book of “irresistible canapes, hors d’oeuvres and nibblers.”

At Lindsey’s genius suggestion, we’ll be tackling some of the best-looking and completely questionable dishes from this ’60s standby. We decided on blue balls because of its name (we’re only human) and its simplicity.

here are all the ingredients
Behold the ingredients! Yes, even celery. (At least I had the sense to sub onion powder for minced onion. I’m no masochist.)

I made these for a gathering that I ended up not having. Is that not the saddest occasion for an appetizer? Anyway, hopped up on wine and alone time, I had a one-woman kitchen party and created some tiny, tasty, ugly-looking balls that I proceeded to eat for the next five days. Adulthood!

owl pellets


TASTE: 8/10
It’s pretty basic, but sometimes that’s what you want in a cheese ball, ya know?

owl pellets close
These basically look like owl pellets that middle-schoolers dissect in science class.

HEALTH: 10/10 arteries clogged
CONCLUSION: Form this into one big ball to save yourself the hassle and the blue-cheese-stink hands. And, of course, ALWAYS SKIP THE CELERY.

This is what happens when you try to grate celery, or as I like to call it reconstituted slime nighmare
This is what happens when you refuse to spend time mincing and instead try to grate celery, or as I like to call it: reconstituted slime nightmare.

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